news.lgbti.org

Telling Your Family That You’re Gay

Before you think about how to come out to your family, what’s most important is that you feel a sense of acceptance in yourself about your sexual orientation and/or gender identity and your reasons for coming out. As you begin to acknowledge to yourself that you are lesbian, gay, bisexual or trans, it is very common to experience guilt, shame, doubt and confusion.

The effects of a lifetime of negative social messages, discrimination and, for some, violence cannot be erased overnight. This can be a difficult time and it can be helpful to talk to a counsellor or friend to help prepare you emotionally to come out. Involvement in a local coming out group may also help you with your own process.

Even in a climate where the LGBTI community has begun to fight back and demand rights, recognition and protection under the law, social attitudes and belief systems continue to discriminate. Although social attitudes such as homophobia and transphobia affect all of us, many members of the LGBTI community confront other forms of discrimination as well, such as racism, ageism, sexism, etc. All or some of these social attitudes may influence your coming out experience.

Although homophobia and transphobia exist in all cultures, the degree of acceptance of LGBTI identities varies across cultural and religious communities. For some of us, the loss of family and/or membership in our cultural community, silence, hostility or even violence are very real consequences to coming out. If this is your reality, you need to realistically assess the risks involved. If you decide to come out, but are concerned about your family’s reaction, you should work with a counsellor or friend to develop a plan that will ensure your safety.

Family reactions

As you begin to feel the first inklings of pride and entitlement to be who you are, you can’t help feeling that family, friends and the rest of the heterosexual world will see you as different. One of the things we know is that prejudice and discrimination do change over time and it is usually exposure to that which is different that helps to change negative attitudes. When it comes to family members and in particular parents finding out they have a LGBTI child, it is those historically negative ideas about homosexuality that first concern them.

Some thoughts that cross many parents’ minds include:

“If being gay is sick, perverted and unnatural, and my child says they’re gay, I must have been a bad parent.”

“Lesbians are treated badly in employment and housing situations and lead isolated lonely lives outside the mainstream. I don’t want my child to suffer.”

“Being trans is seen as sick and perverted by many people. How will other family, friends and work mates see me if my child is trans?”

Dealing with cultural issues

If you have strong ties to a particular cultural community, your parents may be concerned with how your coming out will be perceived by the community and how it will affect their position within it. Many individuals report that cultural values, such as not talking about or displaying emotions, get in the way of them sharing their sexual orientation or gender identity with their parents. In many cultural communities, being LGBTI is considered to be a North American problem, thus the preferred response to your coming out may be to deny your reality and to become more strict about having you conform to cultural norms and expectations. Coming out may also feel like you need to choose between your cultural identity and your sexual orientation. This is even more difficult when you experience the LGBTI community as being insensitive to your cultural identity. There are groups and associations for LGBTI individuals from specific cultural communities. They can help you find culturally appropriate information, images and supports for you and your family.

If you are coming out as trans

Although years of activism have improved the lives of many members of the LGBTI community, trans individuals are still the focus of much discrimination and violence. If you are coming out to your parents as trans, you may face challenges relating to the lack of information and positive images that are available regarding trans folks, particularly individuals from specific cultural communities. The lack of information available about trans people and their experiences is directly related to the confusion and hostility that many parents may feel when their child comes out as trans. Trans identities also lead to confusion regarding the issue of sexual orientation, so your parents may wonder whether your new gender identity also means that you are gay or lesbian. Transphobia can combine with homophobia to make coming out a very challenging and anxiety-provoking experience.

Consult the list of resources on this website for books and articles that can help you come out to your parents, as well as the list of links that we have provided for trans positive services and web sites.

Most parents want the best for their children and if they know that what’s best is to be true to yourself and live who you are, they will gradually come to accept, not only that they have a gay, lesbian, bisexual or trans child and that it wasn’t their fault, but that their child will live a fulfilling life.

Before you tell your family

Before you tell them, you need personal time to come to terms with your new self-understanding. It’s also helpful to have support from others who have gone through this process. Keep in mind there is likely at least one other gay, lesbian or bisexual person in your family tree, either from previous generations or who is currently alive. One of the fun aspects of coming out to yourself is going over your family tree and identifying those who may have been LGBTI. This is often not the case for trans folks as they are still fighting for the right to live out and proud.

With your new awareness you may discover there were clues all along that you didn’t recognize because of secrecy and shame. We often hear from individuals, struggling with coming out to their family, that they fear the news will “kill” their parents. Although it may be difficult in the beginning and your parents and family may initially reject you , most, particularly those who had a good relationship with their children, accept the news over time.

Many people who’ve come out also find that their relationship with their parents eventually improves because of the increased openness and honesty that comes with sharing this knowledge. Many also experience a great sense of relief in knowing that they no longer need to keep their true identity a secret.

It is important that you communicate to your parents that you love them, are not trying to hurt them and that, whether you are coming out as gay, lesbian, bisexual or trans, you are still the same person that they love. Consider sharing with them your story of coming out to yourself, as well as the resources that you found helpful during this time. This may include books, films, friends, allies, and counselors. Above all, be patient. Recall how long it took for you to come to terms with your new identity and give your parents the time to do the same.

There are many ways you can tell your family:

The most common first step for many LGBTI is to confide in a sibling (if you have one), cousin, uncle or aunt; one who you feel will accept and support you in telling other family members.
When you’re ready to tell your parents, you might want to start with the parent to whom you feel the closest.
Instead of telling them in person, another option is to write your parents a letter. This gives your parents time to reflect on what you have told them and decide how to respond.
When you meet with your parents, either after you’ve sent a letter, or to tell them for the first time, you might want to consider bringing along a supportive friend or family member.

Polari, The Forgotten Gay Language

When homosexuality was illegal up until 1967 the Gay Community had to use own language.

Since LGBTI+ people have recently been able to exist more openly in society without fear of persecution by the state we have been able to talk openly about express our feelings and personalities in public. But this has not always been the case. Homosexuality was driven so far underground in the United Kingdom that many turned to a new, secretive yet expressive form of communication.

Polari first came about in the theatre and the gay subculture in Britain in the 1950s and 1960s, becoming more widely known from its hidden use by camp radio characters in a popular BBC radio show which ran from 1964 to 1969. It grew up primarily to disguise homosexual activity from potentially hostile outsiders (such as undercover policemen), but also because many gay men worked in entertainment (including circuses, hence the many borrowings from Romany in Polari). It was also used extensively in the Merchant Navy, where many gay men joined cruise ships (particularly P&O) as waiters, stewards and entertainers. It was mainly used by camp or effeminate gay men, who tended to come from working class backgrounds. In a sense, they had the least to lose by being “out”.

Polari had begun to fall into disuse by the late 1960s, the popularity of Julian and Sandy ensured that this secret language was public property, and the gay liberationists of the 1970s viewed it as rather degrading, divisive and politically incorrect (a lot of it was used to gossip about or criticise people, as well as discussing sexual exploits). Since the mid-1990s, with the redistribution of tapes and CDs of Round the Horne and increasing academic interest, Polari was undergone a slight revival. It will probably never die out completely, but new words are continually being invented and updated to refer to more recent cultural concepts – for example, the recent term “Madonna claw” means an old withered hand. In 2002 two books on Polari were published, Polari: The Lost Language of Gay Men, and Fantabulosa: A Dictionary of Polari and Gay Slang (both by Paul Baker).

Polari Dictionary

ajax = nearby (from adjacent?)
basket = the bulge of male genitals through clothes
batts = shoes
bijou = small
bod = body
bold = daring
bona = good
butch = masculine; masculine lesbian
camp = effeminate (origin: KAMP = Known As Male Prostitute)
capello = hat
carts/cartso = penis
carsey = toilet, also spelt khazi
chicken = younger male
charper = search
charpering omi = policeman
cod = naff, vile
cottage = public loo (particularly with reference to cottaging)
cottaging = having or looking for sex in a cottage
crimper = hairdresser
dish = an attractive male; buttocks
dizzy = scatterbrained
dolly = pretty, nice, pleasant
drag = clothes, esp. women’s clothes
ecaf = face (backslang)
eek = face (abbreviation of ecaf)
ends = hair
esong = nose
fantabulosa = wonderful
feele = child
fruit = queen
gelt = money
glossies = magazines
handbag money
hoofer = dancer
jarry = food, also mangarie
kaffies = trousers
khazi = toilet, also spelt carsey
lallies = legs
latty room, = house or flat
lills = hands
lilly = police (Lilly Law)
luppers = fingers
mangarie = food, also jarry
measures = money
meese = plain, ugly (from Yiddish)
meshigener = nutty, crazy, mental
metzas = money
mince = walk (affectedly)
naff bad, = drab (from Not Available For Fucking)
nanti = not, no
national handbag = dole
nishta = nothing, no
oglefakes = glasses
ogles = eyes
omi = man
omi-polone = effeminate man, or homosexual
onk = nose
orbs = eyes
palare pipe = telephone
palliass = back (as in cpart of body)
park = give
plate = feet; to fellate
polari = chat, talk
polone w= oman
pots = teeth
riah/riha = hair
riah shusher = hairdresser
scarper = to run off (from Italian scappare, to escape)
scotch = leg
sharpy = policeman
shush = steal (from client)
shush = bag holdall
shyker/shyckle = wig
slap = makeup
strillers = piano
thews = thighs
trade = sex
troll = to walk about (esp. looking for trade)
vada/varda = see
willets = breasts

Advice for those Newly Diagnosed with HIV

The impact of an HIV diagnosis can feel overwhelming. Some feel as though their life is ending. Luckily, with advanced therapies, living with HIV isn’t a death sentence like it used to be. In fact, those living with HIV can live relatively normal lives for years and even decades after first becoming infected. In addition, there is a large community of those living with HIV and plenty of available resources to get information, proper care, and support.

Here is some advice for those newly diagnosed with HIV:

First, take a deep breath. Now is the time to reach out for the support of friends, family, your partner, and those around you who care about you.
It’s important to start forming a strong relationship with your primary care doctor. Get all the blood tests and run whatever other tests your physician suggests. Luckily there are anti-viral drugs, known as a cocktail, that can bring your viral load down to undetectable levels.
You may have to change your lifestyle, incorporating more healthful practices such as eating right, getting more sleep, and exercising. Make sure you stick with it. This is your health we are talking about. t give up.
Get informed. There are lots of resources out there, including in your area. It can feel really scary, so get as much information and support as you need. If you are having trouble finding those who understand where you are coming from, find a support group in your area.
Remember that HIV is only an aspect of who you are. Don’t let it define you. Remember to take part in all the other aspects of your life such as your job/career, passions, hobbies, love, life, friendships and more.
HIV may get in the way some times and some people get overwhelmed by the fear and sadness. It’s important to allow yourself to grieve and work through all of the emotions. It really is a life changing event, but if you learn to manage it as just an aspect of your multi-faceted and fulfilling life than it becomes not such a big deal anymore. This isn’t a terminal diagnosis. You don’t have to die of HIV anymore. It takes work and effort. So you have to realize that this is going to change your life in some pretty significant ways.
If you have been rejected by your family, make your own new support group of friends. Support from those who understand and care about you is so important in this trying time. Developing and maintaining a positive attitude is really important.

Life doesn’t end at diagnosis. It’s just the beginning for some tremendous changes in your life. Don’t feel as though this is only an experience for you to learn from. Volunteer in organizations, donate to HIV/AIDS research, go to rallies and inform youth and peers of your struggles and how they can avoid contracting HIV. Remember that you aren’t dying of HIV. You are learning to live with it.

Older Transgender Adults Face Unique Challenges

Current older transgender adults came of age during a time when they would have been even more pathologized and stigmatized than today. So, many did not even come out, instead keeping their identities hidden for decades and many are now coming out and transitioning later in life. While the older transgender population shares some of same obstacles frequent in the broader older LGBTI+ population, there are some differences. Since the older growing transgender population exists, there is a critical need to know the challenges that pose threats to their overall health and well-being.

Our current Aging Services Network is not equipped to provide decent and non-discriminatory services to older adults who are transgender, even though it provides a variety of services for older adults in general such as legal help, educational activities, meals and transportation. Older transgender adults have unique needs, and there are not many providers who offer outreach and training specifically to help the transgender population. As a result, many older transgender adults are not getting needed support, and they’re often hesitant to seek services at all.

Barriers due to a lack of clinical and cultural competence regarding transgender people and their health needs, and discrimination and bias, prevent quality care. This, along with financial barriers, means that many older transgender adults delay or avoid seeking medical care. This specific care is frequently excluded from private and public insurance plans. Declining health is a result of the inability to access important and needed care. Preventative and other medical care older transgender adults need is often denied due to the their exclusion from plans.

Transgender people report higher rates of depression, anxiety, loneliness, suicidal ideation, disability and general poor health. As a consequence, many elderly transgender people have severe health concerns as they enter their later years without community and social support that is desperately needed.

Other barriers older transgender people face are in the areas of employment and housing discrimination, violence, privacy, and social support.

Supporting a Partner going through Gender Transition

Gender transition can be equally as stressful on relationships as it can before the individual. Recognizing and caring for the difficulty of this process can help maintain a strong relationship with a partner.

Immediately, understand they are going to feel a lot of stress. They may be questioning their decision, which can bring up issues from the past and other complex identity questions. It’s important for anyone whose partner is going through gender transition to be supportive and to show their support in a way that will help the partner feel soothed and loved.

Before your partner starts hormone replacement therapy, if you so have the option, research what side effects they may encounter. There are some myths even in the transgender community of how taking hormones will affect a person. For instance, some believe that taking testosterone will make one become aggressive or more libidinous. But in fact, they will mostly be the same person. Read up on reliable, medical websites, go to the doctor with your partner, do some deep research in the library and get all the facts. Make sure you know what’s true, and what is just a myth, because misunderstandings can cause communication problems. This is a time when you want to be supportive of your partner, not arguing with them.

Some worry that they won’t be accepted by friends, or the community, or won’t be able to related to self-representations in media because no community, characters or personalities will fit. Instead, make sure that your partner has the opportunity and support to reach out to the people that are closest to them. Invite them over. Have a party. Show support and love. Let them see and feel that it’s not the community they identify with but the people who are closest to them that will really matter, and who will really support them.

Be okay with your partner’s new identity. The transition is not instantaneous or full. But come to be okay with how they will be, intend to be, knowing the essential core components of who they are will always be there. Practice referring to your lover in the pronoun they prefer, and have them say it for themselves as well. Understand their family situation and be sympathetic. Be available to help them with any caregiving they need, including their injections.

If you really love your partner, embrace this phase of their life. Be sure to find out who your supportive people are and take of yourself as well.

Do Gay Men Have Less Stable Relationships?

No one really knows why, but for decades, social studies have hinted that gay men are more promiscuous and less faithful in relationships. Formal studies that have been done to pick apart claims that gay men are less capable of committing to one person however have failed to prove anything. So why are we worried?

The HIV/AIDs epidemic is the major concern. Responsible monogamous couples have very little reason to worry about contracting HIV/AIDs or any other sexually transmitted disease, but young homosexual and bisexual men make up an astoundingly large percentage of new HIV/AIDs diagnoses, and these individuals tend to fall into a “high risk sexual behavior” category also. Although this is hardly proof that gay men are less monogamous, it certainly suggests that they are. There are other reasons to think that promiscuity is a real issue in gay male relationships; past studies that were done on monogamy and relationship security and satisfaction have found that when they compared lesbian, heterosexual, and homosexual relationships women reported feeling more secure and satisfied than men in general. No differences were found to be a result of sexual preference, just gender.

The reality is men usually feel less commitment than women do in relationships, and less satisfied. National surveys that track the prevalence of cheating in married couples have found that, in the U.S. and the U.K., married men are almost twice as likely as married women to have slept with someone other than their spouse. Since most gay couples aren’t married the odds that one of the partners will cheat could be even higher. It’s probably not a terrible thing that gay men are less committed.

Some ultimately suggest that monogamous partnership is unnatural. But, regardless, the contribution that young gay men make to the HIV/AIDs epidemic is something that needs to be taken more seriously. Condom use is not enough. Gay men must take the initiative to know their sexual partners’ history. Like all sexually active people with more than one partner, Gay men should be tested for STDs routinely. Psychologically healthy monogamy may be bogus, but we can’t pretend that having multiple partners is just as safe.

Saying Goodbye To Lesbian Bed Death

Sometimes when a couple has been together for a long time, sex isn’t the main priority for them, or one person in the relationship isn’t as into it. Regarding lesbian relationships, this has been called “Lesbian Bed Death” (LBD).

Just like any other type of couple, a lesbian couple might find that they’re not as passionate as they were when they first met. Even though this a common occurrence for those who’ve been together long-term, it is a hot topic in the LGBTI+ community. This issue can be worked on if both partners in the relationship are willing to give it a shot. Read on for some ideas you can use to spice up your sex life and put LBD behind you.

Reintroduce romance to the relationship
It’s easy enough to take your partner for granted when you’ve been together for awhile. You’re both most likely very busy, juggling work and family life. See what happens when you start to surprise your partner with tickets to a movie they want to see or some flowers. Whatever you know will make them smile.

Spend some time on your own
Have your own life and social circle. Maybe take up a new hobby or join a group with similar interests. A little time away from each other now and then will make you appreciate each other more.

Go ahead and have sex
There’s always an excuse to not have time for something that seems like a luxury. Sex is an important part of an intimate relationship. Make it a priority and set aside time for quick, but passionate lovemaking during a break at work, or go on a mini vacation to a hotel, even near home.

Show affection toward each other
When you’re not being loving and affectionate (touching, cuddling, kissing, etc.), you might as well be housemates. Long-term relationships need love and attention. Remember why you were so excited about your partner in the first place and go from there.

Real Reasons That Gay Parents Are Amazing

Scientific evidence shows that children of gay parents are being raised very well.

The American Academy of Pediatrics announced its approval of same sex marriage and said: “Children thrive in families that are stable and that provide permanent security, and the way we do that is through marriage.”

Benjamin Siegel, who co-authored the policy statement, said in a statement. “The AAP believes there should be equal opportunity for every couple to access the economic stability and federal supports provided to married couples to raise children.” Here are some reasons that gay parents are doing an excellent job:

They intentionally have kids.

The frequent unplanned pregnancies are not in the mix with same-sex couples. It’s not to say that anyone who doesn’t have a child in a planned way is doing a bad job. But, when gay couples plan to have children they tend to be more attentive, passionate and motivated about raising their children.

They care for the neediest children.

Some of the neediest children up for adoption are saved by gay parents who look for them. It has been found that 60 percent of lesbian and gay parents who adopt do so across races. This makes it possible for minority children to get out of the system when it’s often so difficult for them to be wanted by those looking to adopt. Gay parents also go for older children. When kids are older than 3, it is much more difficult for them to be adopted. A majority of those adopted are special needs children.

They encourage tolerance.

Many who were raised by lesbian and gay parents say that they learned empathy and open-mindedness from their parents. They were not taught to stereotype genders and felt that they were more accepting and tolerant of others because of their upbringing.

Their kids do well academically.

A review of research on same-sex parents and their kids from 2010 reported that GPAs were up to par with kids of heterosexual couples. One study showed that boys of lesbian parents had a higher average GPA (2.9) compared to heterosexual parents (2.65). Teen girls of lesbian moms scored (2.8) compared to those with heterosexual parents with an average (2.9) GPA.

They raise confident kids.

Being raised in an environment with gay or lesbian parents can bring about confidence in kids. A study involving lesbian mothers with or without partners who intentionally had kids, not bringing them in to the family from a previous heterosexual relationship, showed that they raised more confident kids than heterosexual parents. This is most likely because of more involvement in their children’s lives.

Harmful Myths About Lesbian Partner Violence

Domestic violence happens in every type of relationship

Crisis line counselors are sometimes warned to be extra vigilant when they screen those seeking safety from domestic violence because, in the case of lesbian relationships, some pretend to be victims in order to be admitted into a shelter to access their partner. Turning a blind eye to domestic violence in lesbian relationships tells abusers they can get away with it…because they do. Here are some myths about same sex partner violence in lesbian relationships that need to come out in the open:

Because there are two women in the partnership they must have equal power.

People have skewed ideas about how different people of one sex can be–women in particular. There are women who are very capable of using incredible strength to cause great physical harm to their partner–biting, punching, kicking…all of it. Homicides and serious injury do occur. Not all women are nurturing. In fact, in a survey that included over 1,100 lesbians, more than half said they were abused by a same sex partner at some point in their life. And, up to 50 percent of lesbians have reported sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse doesn’t exist in lesbian partnerships.

Unfortunately, people tend not to believe that sexual abuse happens in lesbian relationships. When they think of this type of abuse, there is an idea that forced penetration with a penis must be involved. This is completely false. Emotional abuse with coercion and threats often occur in lesbian relationships, which forces one woman to submit. Threatening to “out” a partner is common as is humiliation in general. One woman can very well dominate another in a violent manner and sexually abuse the other, despite common beliefs to the contrary.

Lesbians and heterosexuals are equally as challenged after leaving an abusive relationship.

Although leaving an abusive relationship is difficult for anyone, lesbians face some specific challenges that heterosexuals don’t. Many lesbians do not seek assistance because they fear a homophobic response. Others are ashamed of their own sexuality due to messages they received growing up. Lesbians often don’t feel like they can be themselves much less risk being rejected when they seek help. Sometimes they’re not out to their families and abusers take advantage of this fact to further isolate them, perpetuating dependence.

Butch lesbians are the only ones who are abusive.

A woman doesn’t have to identify as butch or have any typically masculine traits whatsoever to be an abusive person. Not every lesbian relationship is butch/femme. A feminine lesbian who is an abuser can use this false assumption to her advantage. She might threaten to call the police when she’s not the one who is actually the victim. Sadly, law enforcement sometimes falls for this when the partner being blamed looks more masculine.

LGBTI Youth & Sexual Health

The CDC defines sexual health as “…a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality.”

Researchs show that people who identify as LGBTI tend to report lower satisfaction rates in regards to sexual health. In large part this is due to a lack of discussion about LGBTI relationships and sexuality. While many people get such information on dating, relationships, and sexuality during their developmental years from parents, teachers, and other community establishments, LGBTI youth generally get their information online. This can be a great resource, but it can also be full of misleading or inaccurate information.

It is important for LGBTI youth to have access to sexual health resources. A significant factor in establishing sexual health is for both partners to feel safe and satisfied in their relations. Exploring questions pertaining to sexuality and safe practices with adults will help develop self-confidence and eliminate some fears.

Unfortunately, research continues to show that Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual youth are at an increased risk for being victims of violence, bullying, and suicidal thoughts. It is understandable then that youth who live under constant fear and harassment also encounter greater difficulty in maintaining sexual health within their personal relationships.

In addition to discussing such issues individually, communities can support youth by facilitating open discussions and youth organizations. Creating a safe place for youth to explore questions, raise concerns, and meet with people who share similar thoughts and feelings can go a long way in supporting LGBTI sexual health well into adulthood.

Needless to say, having open and honest conversations about sexuality within the LGBTI community is instrumental to achieving sexual health. The first step in achieving sexual health is to discuss concerns with a healthcare practitioner. Research also shows that people LGBTI youth and adults visit healthcare practitioners less frequently – reach out to a professional today and make an appointment.