Lesbian – news.lgbti.org

Telling Your Family That You’re Gay

Before you think about how to come out to your family, what’s most important is that you feel a sense of acceptance in yourself about your sexual orientation and/or gender identity and your reasons for coming out. As you begin to acknowledge to yourself that you are lesbian, gay, bisexual or trans, it is very common to experience guilt, shame, doubt and confusion.

The effects of a lifetime of negative social messages, discrimination and, for some, violence cannot be erased overnight. This can be a difficult time and it can be helpful to talk to a counsellor or friend to help prepare you emotionally to come out. Involvement in a local coming out group may also help you with your own process.

Even in a climate where the LGBTI community has begun to fight back and demand rights, recognition and protection under the law, social attitudes and belief systems continue to discriminate. Although social attitudes such as homophobia and transphobia affect all of us, many members of the LGBTI community confront other forms of discrimination as well, such as racism, ageism, sexism, etc. All or some of these social attitudes may influence your coming out experience.

Although homophobia and transphobia exist in all cultures, the degree of acceptance of LGBTI identities varies across cultural and religious communities. For some of us, the loss of family and/or membership in our cultural community, silence, hostility or even violence are very real consequences to coming out. If this is your reality, you need to realistically assess the risks involved. If you decide to come out, but are concerned about your family’s reaction, you should work with a counsellor or friend to develop a plan that will ensure your safety.

Family reactions

As you begin to feel the first inklings of pride and entitlement to be who you are, you can’t help feeling that family, friends and the rest of the heterosexual world will see you as different. One of the things we know is that prejudice and discrimination do change over time and it is usually exposure to that which is different that helps to change negative attitudes. When it comes to family members and in particular parents finding out they have a LGBTI child, it is those historically negative ideas about homosexuality that first concern them.

Some thoughts that cross many parents’ minds include:

“If being gay is sick, perverted and unnatural, and my child says they’re gay, I must have been a bad parent.”

“Lesbians are treated badly in employment and housing situations and lead isolated lonely lives outside the mainstream. I don’t want my child to suffer.”

“Being trans is seen as sick and perverted by many people. How will other family, friends and work mates see me if my child is trans?”

Dealing with cultural issues

If you have strong ties to a particular cultural community, your parents may be concerned with how your coming out will be perceived by the community and how it will affect their position within it. Many individuals report that cultural values, such as not talking about or displaying emotions, get in the way of them sharing their sexual orientation or gender identity with their parents. In many cultural communities, being LGBTI is considered to be a North American problem, thus the preferred response to your coming out may be to deny your reality and to become more strict about having you conform to cultural norms and expectations. Coming out may also feel like you need to choose between your cultural identity and your sexual orientation. This is even more difficult when you experience the LGBTI community as being insensitive to your cultural identity. There are groups and associations for LGBTI individuals from specific cultural communities. They can help you find culturally appropriate information, images and supports for you and your family.

If you are coming out as trans

Although years of activism have improved the lives of many members of the LGBTI community, trans individuals are still the focus of much discrimination and violence. If you are coming out to your parents as trans, you may face challenges relating to the lack of information and positive images that are available regarding trans folks, particularly individuals from specific cultural communities. The lack of information available about trans people and their experiences is directly related to the confusion and hostility that many parents may feel when their child comes out as trans. Trans identities also lead to confusion regarding the issue of sexual orientation, so your parents may wonder whether your new gender identity also means that you are gay or lesbian. Transphobia can combine with homophobia to make coming out a very challenging and anxiety-provoking experience.

Consult the list of resources on this website for books and articles that can help you come out to your parents, as well as the list of links that we have provided for trans positive services and web sites.

Most parents want the best for their children and if they know that what’s best is to be true to yourself and live who you are, they will gradually come to accept, not only that they have a gay, lesbian, bisexual or trans child and that it wasn’t their fault, but that their child will live a fulfilling life.

Before you tell your family

Before you tell them, you need personal time to come to terms with your new self-understanding. It’s also helpful to have support from others who have gone through this process. Keep in mind there is likely at least one other gay, lesbian or bisexual person in your family tree, either from previous generations or who is currently alive. One of the fun aspects of coming out to yourself is going over your family tree and identifying those who may have been LGBTI. This is often not the case for trans folks as they are still fighting for the right to live out and proud.

With your new awareness you may discover there were clues all along that you didn’t recognize because of secrecy and shame. We often hear from individuals, struggling with coming out to their family, that they fear the news will “kill” their parents. Although it may be difficult in the beginning and your parents and family may initially reject you , most, particularly those who had a good relationship with their children, accept the news over time.

Many people who’ve come out also find that their relationship with their parents eventually improves because of the increased openness and honesty that comes with sharing this knowledge. Many also experience a great sense of relief in knowing that they no longer need to keep their true identity a secret.

It is important that you communicate to your parents that you love them, are not trying to hurt them and that, whether you are coming out as gay, lesbian, bisexual or trans, you are still the same person that they love. Consider sharing with them your story of coming out to yourself, as well as the resources that you found helpful during this time. This may include books, films, friends, allies, and counselors. Above all, be patient. Recall how long it took for you to come to terms with your new identity and give your parents the time to do the same.

There are many ways you can tell your family:

The most common first step for many LGBTI is to confide in a sibling (if you have one), cousin, uncle or aunt; one who you feel will accept and support you in telling other family members.
When you’re ready to tell your parents, you might want to start with the parent to whom you feel the closest.
Instead of telling them in person, another option is to write your parents a letter. This gives your parents time to reflect on what you have told them and decide how to respond.
When you meet with your parents, either after you’ve sent a letter, or to tell them for the first time, you might want to consider bringing along a supportive friend or family member.

Saying Goodbye To Lesbian Bed Death

Sometimes when a couple has been together for a long time, sex isn’t the main priority for them, or one person in the relationship isn’t as into it. Regarding lesbian relationships, this has been called “Lesbian Bed Death” (LBD).

Just like any other type of couple, a lesbian couple might find that they’re not as passionate as they were when they first met. Even though this a common occurrence for those who’ve been together long-term, it is a hot topic in the LGBTI+ community. This issue can be worked on if both partners in the relationship are willing to give it a shot. Read on for some ideas you can use to spice up your sex life and put LBD behind you.

Reintroduce romance to the relationship
It’s easy enough to take your partner for granted when you’ve been together for awhile. You’re both most likely very busy, juggling work and family life. See what happens when you start to surprise your partner with tickets to a movie they want to see or some flowers. Whatever you know will make them smile.

Spend some time on your own
Have your own life and social circle. Maybe take up a new hobby or join a group with similar interests. A little time away from each other now and then will make you appreciate each other more.

Go ahead and have sex
There’s always an excuse to not have time for something that seems like a luxury. Sex is an important part of an intimate relationship. Make it a priority and set aside time for quick, but passionate lovemaking during a break at work, or go on a mini vacation to a hotel, even near home.

Show affection toward each other
When you’re not being loving and affectionate (touching, cuddling, kissing, etc.), you might as well be housemates. Long-term relationships need love and attention. Remember why you were so excited about your partner in the first place and go from there.

Real Reasons That Gay Parents Are Amazing

Scientific evidence shows that children of gay parents are being raised very well.

The American Academy of Pediatrics announced its approval of same sex marriage and said: “Children thrive in families that are stable and that provide permanent security, and the way we do that is through marriage.”

Benjamin Siegel, who co-authored the policy statement, said in a statement. “The AAP believes there should be equal opportunity for every couple to access the economic stability and federal supports provided to married couples to raise children.” Here are some reasons that gay parents are doing an excellent job:

They intentionally have kids.

The frequent unplanned pregnancies are not in the mix with same-sex couples. It’s not to say that anyone who doesn’t have a child in a planned way is doing a bad job. But, when gay couples plan to have children they tend to be more attentive, passionate and motivated about raising their children.

They care for the neediest children.

Some of the neediest children up for adoption are saved by gay parents who look for them. It has been found that 60 percent of lesbian and gay parents who adopt do so across races. This makes it possible for minority children to get out of the system when it’s often so difficult for them to be wanted by those looking to adopt. Gay parents also go for older children. When kids are older than 3, it is much more difficult for them to be adopted. A majority of those adopted are special needs children.

They encourage tolerance.

Many who were raised by lesbian and gay parents say that they learned empathy and open-mindedness from their parents. They were not taught to stereotype genders and felt that they were more accepting and tolerant of others because of their upbringing.

Their kids do well academically.

A review of research on same-sex parents and their kids from 2010 reported that GPAs were up to par with kids of heterosexual couples. One study showed that boys of lesbian parents had a higher average GPA (2.9) compared to heterosexual parents (2.65). Teen girls of lesbian moms scored (2.8) compared to those with heterosexual parents with an average (2.9) GPA.

They raise confident kids.

Being raised in an environment with gay or lesbian parents can bring about confidence in kids. A study involving lesbian mothers with or without partners who intentionally had kids, not bringing them in to the family from a previous heterosexual relationship, showed that they raised more confident kids than heterosexual parents. This is most likely because of more involvement in their children’s lives.

Harmful Myths About Lesbian Partner Violence

Domestic violence happens in every type of relationship

Crisis line counselors are sometimes warned to be extra vigilant when they screen those seeking safety from domestic violence because, in the case of lesbian relationships, some pretend to be victims in order to be admitted into a shelter to access their partner. Turning a blind eye to domestic violence in lesbian relationships tells abusers they can get away with it…because they do. Here are some myths about same sex partner violence in lesbian relationships that need to come out in the open:

Because there are two women in the partnership they must have equal power.

People have skewed ideas about how different people of one sex can be–women in particular. There are women who are very capable of using incredible strength to cause great physical harm to their partner–biting, punching, kicking…all of it. Homicides and serious injury do occur. Not all women are nurturing. In fact, in a survey that included over 1,100 lesbians, more than half said they were abused by a same sex partner at some point in their life. And, up to 50 percent of lesbians have reported sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse doesn’t exist in lesbian partnerships.

Unfortunately, people tend not to believe that sexual abuse happens in lesbian relationships. When they think of this type of abuse, there is an idea that forced penetration with a penis must be involved. This is completely false. Emotional abuse with coercion and threats often occur in lesbian relationships, which forces one woman to submit. Threatening to “out” a partner is common as is humiliation in general. One woman can very well dominate another in a violent manner and sexually abuse the other, despite common beliefs to the contrary.

Lesbians and heterosexuals are equally as challenged after leaving an abusive relationship.

Although leaving an abusive relationship is difficult for anyone, lesbians face some specific challenges that heterosexuals don’t. Many lesbians do not seek assistance because they fear a homophobic response. Others are ashamed of their own sexuality due to messages they received growing up. Lesbians often don’t feel like they can be themselves much less risk being rejected when they seek help. Sometimes they’re not out to their families and abusers take advantage of this fact to further isolate them, perpetuating dependence.

Butch lesbians are the only ones who are abusive.

A woman doesn’t have to identify as butch or have any typically masculine traits whatsoever to be an abusive person. Not every lesbian relationship is butch/femme. A feminine lesbian who is an abuser can use this false assumption to her advantage. She might threaten to call the police when she’s not the one who is actually the victim. Sadly, law enforcement sometimes falls for this when the partner being blamed looks more masculine.

Sexual Safety During Pregnancy Possible For Lesbians Too

Worrying about the safety of sexual activity is not something limited to heterosexual couples. Many lesbian couples worry, too. Thankfully, there’s generally no reason to avoid intimacy when you’re expecting. However, there may be certain activities your doctor will advise you to avoid if you are considered a high-risk pregnancy.

Pregnant lesbians may find the topic of sex to be a touchy subject. During pregnancy some women experience heightened senses and an increased libido, while others lack sexual desire completely. Some have partners who are afraid of injuring the baby and, as a result, put any sexual feelings on the back burner. It’s important to keep in mind, though, that most pregnant women want to be intimate and many want to participate in sexual activity.

Even if genital sex is not desired, there are other ways to go about creating intimacy such as massage, kissing, and touching. The majority of types of lesbian sexual activity, including light penetration, is safe for most pregnant women. However, it’s important to stay away from certain activities such as rough S&M, deep thrusting, or fisting. Do not continue any sexual activity that triggers any discomfort. Avoiding sex toys such as vibrators, dildos and strap-ons are suggested since there’s difficulty in knowing where they’re touching exactly.

During pregnancy, it’s important to take time for yourselves. Otherwise, you’ll find that you won’t naturally have that emotional energy. Take time to get together with friends and family. This is especially important if you’re a single pregnant woman, finding that you’re isolated from most of the lesbian community during this time. Perhaps you’ll even find it worth considering to give yourself a spa day.

And, if you are in a partnership, include your loved one for the spa day. You needn’t even visit a spa. Stay home, give each other massages, have a special dinner together, and even a gigantic dessert. Why not? At least once in awhile.

This is not an easy time for couples, in general, but it can still have more ups than downs. You can both keep your relationship fresh, especially when remembering that you’re going to have to take it more slowly than usual. You might have actual sex less, but find that you’ll become more intimate with your partner in ways that you never imagined.

5 Ways Bisexual Women Can Pursue Better Healthcare

Many individuals in the LGBT+ community face significant issues with regard to health care. For example, bisexual women face a high risk of physical and mental health problems and have a higher likelihood of experiencing violence and addiction. Discrimination is often experienced within the healthcare system. The bisexual community is fighting this, to spread education and make quality healthcare more accessible.

There are some general guidelines that may be helpful for bisexual women who are looking for quality health care. Read on to learn the five ways bisexual women can take care of their health, even while facing exceptional challenges.

Be aware of risks
Bisexual women are more likely to experience addiction, smoke, have depression and have suicidal thoughts and/or attempts, compared to other groups. Bi woman are also at a higher risk for cancer than heterosexual women or lesbians and less likely to get screening. Amy André, a co-author of Bisexual Health: An Introduction said, “Research shows that bisexuals experience more discrimination, violence, and stigma than gays and lesbians.” She believes that the fact that bisexuals have the worst health is directly linked to the violence, stigma and discrimination.

Seek quality health care
Unfortunately, it’s not possible to assume that every doctor is able to cater to the unique needs of LGBT+ patients. It is easier in urban areas, but still more difficult to find a provider that doesn’t group bisexual patients with gay or straight women. There is a list of providers in the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association directory and the Bisexual-Aware Professionals Directory. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and compassion.

Be your own advocate
You’ll need to be more assertive at times because some doctors will ask questions that are heteronormative. If you find that the doctor assumes you are a sexuality that you aren’t, you may need to answer broadly. You’ll want to make sure that you’re giving proper information about your past and current partners, and your sexuality. Some women will find it more difficult if they live in a small community with few doctors. Push yourself as far as you feel comfortable and remember that you can request certain types of screening for your physical and mental health.

Know your financial barriers
According to LGBT+ MAP’s Unfair Price study, bi women are more than twice as likely to live in poverty than the general population, and 29% of LGBT+ women have trouble finding affordable health care, compared to 19% of heterosexual women. Women in rural areas may experience even more difficulty. It’s of vital importance to have access to affordable health care. This could mean a visit to a free clinic, Planned Parenthood or a doctor’s office that takes your health insurance.

Get the word out
Form a support system and be supportive to others in a similar position. Doing this not only positively affects your chances of receiving affordable health care, it improves your health.

Lesbian and Bisexual Women’s Health

There is so much health information available online geared toward lesbian health. How does lesbian or bisexual health differ from that of heterosexual women? It doesn’t. Women who identify as lesbians and bisexuals are prone to the same sexually transmitted infections, urinary tract infections, and yeast infections as women who identify as heterosexual. That said, it is important to note that lesbian and bisexual women do face significantly different issues within health care, such as discrimination and uninformed medical practitioners.

As sexual orientation doesn’t affect a woman’s health, it is reasonable to then look into risk factors and common illnesses for women in general. The number one cause of death for women is heart disease. There are several risk factors that contribute to the likelihood of developing heart disease. While age, race, and genetics are not within your control, obesity and smoking are. Such lifestyle choices make a significant difference when it comes to long-term health, particularly in the prevention and treatment of heart disease.

The second most common cause of death amongst women is cancer of the breast, lung, colon, uterus, and ovaries. This is one case that research shows a significant increase in rates for lesbian or bisexual women. While research is still being conducted, it is believed that breast and ovarian cancers are related to hormone levels. It is thought that full-term pregnancies and breastfeeding release hormones that may protect women against such cancers. As lesbian and bisexual women are less likely to have a full-term pregnancy, they may be at greater risk of developing such cancers.

Of course, the greatest risk for all women is to delay check-ups and exams. It is most important to find a physician that you are comfortable meeting with regularly and speaking with openly. Women should go in for full examinations at least once a year – reach out to a medical provider and make an appointment today!

Tips for Lesbians Seeking a Love Life Boost

Do you feel a little bored with your life? Or, maybe even feel like it’s a chore? That’s not what anyone wants when it comes to sex. It’s okay. It’s normal to go through periods of time when you’re somewhat stuck and need to put a little more effort into spicing things up.

Spend time together
It’s wise not to assume things will work out on their own. You need to put some effort into creating a more satisfying love life. Mark your calendar and set aside an entire day for the two of you to explore each other completely — mind and body. Both of you may be pleasantly surprised about what you discover.

Kiss for awhile
Why don’t both of you spend a lot more time kissing, without worrying about doing anything else? Often, lovers spend a lot of time thinking about the end result. You may find that if you spend time kissing, you’ll become much more intimate and sex will be phenomenal.

Don’t become too comfortable
You and your lover need not become victims of lesbian bed death. Make sure to spend some time away from each other once in a while; make your own friends, and just socialize. A little bit of time away from each other will make you both appreciate one another that much more. Of course, this appreciation and excitement will extend to the bedroom.

Buy some toys
Even the thought alone and the decision to purchase a good toy is exciting. If you’re both inexperienced, check out some websites that sell adult toys, and communicate about what turns you on. Maybe start with a dildo, which is pretty versatile. If you decide you want to go all out and use a strap-on for sex, do that, too. It’s your choice, and that can be arousing on its own.

Pick out a good lube
This is important to use on your sex toys, but also in general. It can be rubbed in all sorts of sexy places and is even more arousing if you choose one with stimulant properties.

Massage
Incorporate some massage into your love life. Make sure to explore every inch of your lover’s body. Using lotions and oil makes it that much better. You may discover new places you both like to be touched.

Dress up/Role play
You might decide to go for some power playing if you’re in a respectful, trusting relationship. This may strengthen your trust towards each other. One person playing the dominating role can be incredibly arousing. You may also choose to use costumes and uniforms. Invite a light-hearted sense of humor to set the mood. Laughing together can be sexy…and maybe you’ve always been turned on by a woman in uniform–here’s your chance to make that happen.

Common Myths About Lesbians

Are you a lesbian tired of hearing myths about who you are and what you do?

Or, are you just curious and want to dig beneath the surface for some truth? Either way, it’s important to clear up some common misconceptions every once in awhile. Some of them can be quite damaging. Let’s look at some of the more frequent myths:

Lesbians are man-haters
This isn’t true at all. In fact, there are lesbians who love men. They have long-term friendships with men and might have a man who’s a best friend to them. It’s confusing that this myth is popular at all because it doesn’t make logical sense.

Butch lesbians really want to be men
It’s true that we all express ourselves in different ways and sometimes it happens that women wear clothing or their hair in styles that are more traditionally masculine. It does not follow that women want to be another gender. Those looking to change their sex are transsexual. Sometimes clothing style has little to do with expression and more to do with comfort.

You must sleep with a woman before you know you’re a lesbian
If heterosexuals can know they’re attracted to someone else before sex, the same applies to lesbians, or anyone else for that matter.

If you’re a lesbian this means you’re attracted to all women
Bogus. This is a myth where anyone’s concerned. Apply it to yourself. Are you attracted to everyone of a specific group?

Being a lesbian is a choice
There have been numerous types of therapies attempting to get people to “become” straight that are not only ineffective, but downright damaging. Studies have shown that sexual orientation isn’t chosen and that it’s an inborn trait.

Lesbians relationships are about sex
Not true. Lesbian relationships are often multi-faceted, involving families and emotional connections as well as sex.

Lesbians just haven’t found ‘the right man’
If anything, many lesbians haven’t found the right woman yet. Just as in any type of relationship, it takes some time to find the right partner. Lesbians aren’t interested in finding the right man because they’re attracted to women. It seems simple enough, but a lot of people find that difficult to swallow.

You know a lesbian when you see her
You might, in fact, have a decent intuition or “gaydar”, but this is not something that can be measured in any definite way just by looking at someone.

One partner plays “the man” in a lesbian relationship
Sometimes the dynamics of a same sex relationship make it seem easier to assume that male/female roles are being played, but it’s not the case. There are a lot of different kinds of lesbian relationships, butch/femme being one, but that doesn’t mean that one person is pretending to be a man.

Lesbians can’t be religious or spiritual
There are some churches that are accepting of all humans, and spirituality is a subjective experience. Unfortunately, there are some denominations that would think lesbians are living in sin.

Lambda

The lambda was selected as a symbol by the Gay Activists Alliance of New York in 1970, following the Stonewall Riots, and was declared the international symbol for gay and lesbian rights by the International Gay Rights Congress in Edinburgh, Scotland, in 1974. The lambda signifies unity under oppression.

The Scottish Minorities Group hosted the first ever International Gay Rights Conference in Edinburgh from 18 to 22 December 1974. It was co-organised by Ian Dunn and Derek Ogg. Ian Dunn had organised the first meeting of what was to become the Scottish Minorities Group in 1969. Derek Ogg later founded Scottish AIDS Monitor in the 1980s.

The conference tried to provide an international sharing of experience, so that delegates could find out the social, political and legal situation for men and women from other countriesm, and included sessions on the rights of young homosexuals and of gay women. The problem of lesbian invisibility was explicitly addressed by a delegate from Campaign Against Moral Persecution in New South Wales, Australia.

Nearly 400 people attended the conference, which led in 1978 to the establishment of the International Gay Association, later to become the International Lesbian and Gay Association (ILGA).

The gay rights organization Lambda Legal and the American Lambda Literary Award derive their names from this symbol. Gay News offered a range of jewellery items featuring the Lambda symbol.